If reaching the top of the Strava ranks is all you eat, sleep, and breathe, look no further. Follow these socially questionable techniques and rise to your precious stardom.
Strava can be a great training tool. It can be used for comparison to see how we stack up amongst our fellow cyclists or as a research tool to find new and exciting trails that we didn’t know about . For a select few it is used as a constant virtual competition where loading up on Top 10’s and KOM’s is not only a goal, but a necessity to maintain one’s purpose for living. If you fall into that “ultra competitive” category, this list is for you. The following list is a few ways that can help you get that extra bump in Strava status and ensure that you achieve those KOM’s, and alienate any chance of retaining social riding partners.
13 ways to Boost your Strava Status & Lose Friends
1. Put your GPS in your fast friends backpack. Instead of getting upset that they are always ahead of you, use it to your advantage and let them do all the heavy lifting. Make sure to put some doubt in their mind that their GPS is not functioning properly to avoid any questions regarding your times.
2. Flag any ride that bumps you down the leader board. Why train harder when you can just ruin it for everyone!
3. When riding with fast friends be sure to stop in the middle of segments to “regroup” and “chat”. You get extra friend points while their GPS is still ticking away right in the middle of your KOM segment.
4. Use many different models of GPS and phone devices and upload which ever one shows the best result.
Eenee Meenee Minee Mo, which one keeps me from looking slow?
5. Make sure to yell “STRAVA!” when coming downhill approaching uphill riders. This let’s them know you are definitely on a KOM pace and negates all established bike courtesy yield laws.
6. Wider bars help to establish your dominance over other trail users such as hikers, walkers, and equestrian riders by placing your body in an aggressive position. This stance will let them know to steer clear of slowing you down.
7. Mountain Bikers: Ride moto, but don’t be obvious about it. Look at the top time and just beat it by 3-4 seconds. A 20 second time bump is obviously a moto, be smart about it.
8. Road Bikers: Drive cars but be smart about it. Use a timer and be sure to throw on your hazards so the regular drivers will know something is up.
9. Throw your GPS down those tricky switchbacks. You can cut 3-4 corners with one good heave.
Clickity-Click. Now I’m quick.
10. To fill up those KOM stats make segments in areas that should never have segments but where people regularly have there GPS on. Parking areas leading to trailheads are a good starting point.
11. Create alias Strava accounts that you can beat. Make sure they seem legit with names like tjuarez47 or chrisfroominator14, this will add to your credibility.
12. Dabble in digital doping. Yes it’s a thing, Google is your friend (although your friends will no longer be your friends).
13. If your time isn’t quite up to par reclassify it as a run, hike, or cross country ski (weather dependent of course). The speed walking scene on Strava is still pretty small so you can really rack up those KOM’s.
Now get out there and start giving the rest of us cyclists a bad name!
Keepin’ it Beard Pace